LADIES AND LADIES

No offence intended towards the ladies.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Married life is very frustrating.in the first year of marriage, the man speaks

and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances.Finally the husband exploded,"If it weren't for my money,the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied,"My dear,if it weren't for your money,I wouldn't be here."

Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man,after marriage she suspects him,and after death she respects him.

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

A Mug Of Beer

Event: An insect falls into a mug of beer....

Reactions:

Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out

American: Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Japanese: Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free

Indian: Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.

Pakistani:

-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer

-Relates the issue to Kashmir

-Asks the Chinese for Military aid

-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

MANAGERS AND ENGINEER

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they went to the flagpole with a ladder and measuring tape.They keep falling off the ladder,dropping the tape and the whole thing is in a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they are trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lay it flat,measure it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.After the engineer left, one manager turns to another and laughs.

"Isn't that just like an engineer?We are looking for the height and he gives us the length!"

Moral of the Story :No matter how ingenious you are.Managers can always find fault with it.

Applicants-JOKES

* An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered, "No."

* The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

* Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

* "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."

* Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a black Meredes Benz?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

THE IMPORTANCE OF 11

The mail below was sent earlier on the number 11 and the Sep 11 attack.



You will love David's response to it. I don't know who David is, but his response is hilarious!!!


Make sure you read beyond the Original Letter!


Original Letter: The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11

September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11

After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.

119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11

Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11

The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11

State of New York - The 11th State added to theUnion

New York City - 11 Letters

Afghanistan - 11 Letters

The Pentagon - 11 Letters

Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack at the WTC in 1993)

Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11

Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11


Dave's response:

Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name "David Pawson!"

I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks.

Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters!

What am I gonna do?

Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can't believe it!

Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide!

But no.."PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!

Maybe Nostradamus can help me.

But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters In "NOSTRADAMUS."

I know, the Red Cross can help. No they can't... 11 letters in "THE RED CROSS," can't trust them.

I would rely on self defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it, too!


Can someone help?

Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters....

Will this never end? I'm going insane!

"GOING INSANE???"Eleven letters!! Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though


"I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters.....


Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4!


Dave


PS. "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters also.